Alone in a Crowded Room

Dark blue (dark blue)
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room when I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning down
~from Dark Blue, Jack's Mannequin

Does this happen to anyone else? You're out at a party in a room full of people, and not really interested in talking to any of them? I don't even mean in the sense that "you have nothing to talk about". For me, I could be in a room full of people that I know, but I'm perfectly content to just sit there and watch. What's even weirder is that even though I am watching and listening, I often won't remember the specifics of what I hear.

Why do I do this? I'm not exactly sure.

Some of it may be that I don't need to talk, in the same way some people do. You know the people I'm talking about -- they can't wait for you to finish your thought so they can interject their own.

Another reason that I might be content to just blend in, is that I'm more interested in what people are like. You don't need to be the one asking questions to figure this out. Just watch. And listen.

Sometimes I end up feeling alone. Like, being able to sit there and be comfortable without having to engage in smalltalk with the person next to me makes me fundamentally different. Does this ever happen to anyone else?

Time Well Spent

I just told myself I would play one last game of Boggle -- for 20 straight minutes. Now I'm left wondering, was that worth it? Was it any better or worse than say, watching Dancing With the Stars, cleaning the bathroom floor, or getting high?

In each one of those scenarios, although they may have been fun at the time, you'd probably look back at them and think, "I wish I had the last 20 minutes of my life back." Sure, Boggle seems more noble because I was "learning", but really, in the grand scheme of things, I'm pretty much exactly where I was before playing, only out 20 minutes.

So basically, I don't know where I'm going with this post. At this moment, I'm wondering really how I could be spending one moment better than any other moment (aside from say, building a homeless shelter in Uganda). Or is the point that it doesn't really matter what happens at any one moment, but rather how everything adds up? Doesn't that conflict with trying to live your life in the present?

What do you guys think?

The Risk of Not Choosing

Maybe there is a tipping point for everything. Do we ever do something the first time it occurs to us? Or do we have to think it several times before we are willing to take the risk?

Maybe that's what this is all about. Taking risks. Trying something new. Are we taking a risk every time we make a non-trivial decision? We are.

When we decide what to wear for a job interview, we risk wearing the wrong thing and missing out on a great career opportunity. When we decide how to get to a friends house, we risk choosing the path that will get us there more slowly. When we tell someone we love them, we risk a broken heart.

This is generally how we think about risk. Choosing to do something is taking a risk. We ignore the fact that not choosing is just as much of a choice.

When we choose to leave the money in our savings accounts untouched, we are taking a risk. Money we could have made by investing more aggressively is no different than money spent. Not telling someone how you truly feel about them is a risk too. Even putting off going to the grocery store for a few more days is a risk. We risk becoming used to eating out all the time, which costs us more money and negatively affects our health.

So, what are we to do? Life is just one risk after another.

I can be a pretty indecisive person. A lot of times I believe this stems from looking too much at all the possibilities. Even when I do have a preference, it always boils down to some shade of grey. Yes, I'd like to go there for dinner, but that means not going that other great restaurant. I swear, I can't seem to push myself much beyond favoring something 60/40.

If all the decisions are so close, then does it even really matter which one we choose? Sometimes it doesn't. But I think what is more important is that we do actually choose. The things that we put off, all those decisions that we don't make? Those are the ones that add up. The cost of putting them off one more day is very small. It's only much later, when we actually do what needs to be done, that we look back and wonder why we didn't do them sooner.

Blanket Honesty

Imagine for a minute, that you were honest all the time. What would that be like?

You were at work and your boss gave you yet another project to work on. Instead of hiding your annoyance, you took the opportunity to explain just what was on your plate, and how taking on this task, meant another would have to go unfinished.

A friend that you keep intentionally blowing off calls you yet again and asks to do something. You tell them the truth, that you aren't really interested in being their friend.

A stranger cuts in front of you in line at the supermarket. Instead of standing there annoyed, you direct the person to the back of the line.

(Take a minute to think about what would happen in these scenarios if you kept how you were feeling to yourself. Think about how you will feel over time as these same situations keep coming up.)

Now take this idea further. Imagine being honest in all areas of your life. I don't mean to imply that we're all dishonest, but we all keep things to ourselves. Often they are little things, but they build on one another. Why is it that when we have issues with a friend or a significant other, we don't talk about them until it is too late?

We dislike confrontation, we don't want to hurt people's feelings, and we don't want to look bad. But really, what are we gaining by not being honest with everyone?

Putting off honesty buys time.

When we don't talk about it, those little things build and build until one day, they explode. We quit our job. We lead on a friend because we don't want to hurt their feelings, only to hurt them worse when we finally can't take it anymore. We let relationships go on till the breaking point before trying to fix them.

I really think there is a correlation between honesty and happiness. It's stressful and unpleasant to keep things locked up inside your head, worrying about them until it they just about drive you crazy. People who wear masks spend a lot of time and energy being someone they're not. How could pretending to be a different person help us be happier?

First, we must be honest with ourselves. This can be the hardest part. People don't want to admit that they're jealous, or afraid of change, or obsessive/compulsive. But recognizing who you are is the only way you'll ever be able to learn to work with these aspects of your personality, rather than against them. You need to surround yourself with people who know the real you, not just the person you pretend to be.

Only then can we move on to letting other people know how we feel, before it's too late.

I realize of course, that it is pretty impractical to practice blanket honesty at every moment of your life. But really, it sounds so much better than the alternative, doesn't it?

Those Hidden Little Worlds

What do people use for motivation?

I ran in my first road race yesterday afternoon (long story). After cruising along for just over two miles, I was passed by a man who was easily over 70 years old. Seconds later, an eight year old boy passed me. These two were just about the oldest and youngest runners of the 600.

What was going through their minds? I can imagine a 70 year old man wanting to run a 5k just to say he did it, but this guy was clearly not just doing a one time run on a whim. He was pushing seven minute miles. And the young kid, what has his motivation? Was he running for his parents? To prove something to himself? For fun?

Maybe I just have trouble figuring out how so many different people of all ages, shapes, and sizes could all be competing in the same event. Most of the activities I've been a part of lately seem to appeal to a much smaller subset of the population.

This is somehow more logical to me because sharing a common interest is something that allows us to immediately relate to strangers. Did running with this crowd today mean that I had become a part of some new subset of the population that I wasn't even aware of?

In the weeks leading up to the race, whenever I heard any of my friends talk about running, I brought up the race. All the sudden I realized that a lot of my friends actually did. I wouldn't have even noticed if my ears hadn't been on the lookout.

Then I discovered http://www.gmap-pedometer.com (where you can draw out a route using google maps and it will tell you distance and elevation change) and told a few people about it. One replied linking me to a watch that has a built in GPS. When you get home, you just upload your data and it shows you where you went, and how fast. All of the sudden, I felt like I had become a part of this secret little club that I didn't even realize existed.

It's so interesting how there are these little subsets of interest all around us, and we can go on without so much as noticing them. Then, you have a reason to start getting involved and all of the sudden, it's amazing how much enthusiasm and passion you've been missing.

I doubt I'll become a runner, but just this one race was enough to make me wonder how many other things I haven't been aware of all these years.

See Change

Have you changed much in the last year? What about the last 10?

When I think about the things I could improve upon, I do think I have changed. But only subtly, and perhaps only discernable to the keen observer. But then again, I'm also pretty sure that I'm fundamentally the same person I was 10 years ago.

For now, all I can really do is look at pictures, and think back to what it was like. But that might not be enough. Even this amazing video of one photograph per day for over 6 years doesn't do it justice. You can't see the change. It's too gradual.

What I would need is to see the change through someone else's eyes. Someone who didn't see me every day. Someone I was away from for long enough periods of time that they could see the change as it happened. Either that or a journal, which, sadly I only have tiny bits of.

But then again, sometimes I don't want to think I've changed. There might just be some special term for this in psychology. Like I don't want to admit that I've ever screwed up. Like it's some secret self-defense mechanism against regret. Something that's just there to further the illusion of happiness.

Whatever the reality, I've had so many influences...

Age vs. Opportunity vs. Time

Today I stumbled across this bit of wisdom, and thought back to my discussion about the difference between trying to make big changes, versus small ones.

Act without doing;
work without effort.
Think of the small as large
and the few as many.
Confront the difficult
while it is still easy;
accomplish the great task
by a series of small acts.

-- Lao-Tze

Maybe there isn't much of a difference between wanting to make large changes and wanting to make small changes. Maybe that's just all in how you look at it. The people who are thinking big will tell you about the big picture. The people who are thinking small are actually on the path to making big changes, but they don't see it that way. They just see "a series of small acts".

Confronting the difficult while it is still easy.

Perhaps that one reason I occasionally feel that twinge of urgency in my life. As we get older, we gain more responsibility, and there are more factors to complicate our lives. We'll look back longingly to when "things were easy".

It's one of the funny things I've noticed about life. When you're young, you have every opportunity to try out crazy ideas, go on extended vacations, and truly enjoy your freedom. Sadly, most of us aren't ready for that till we're a little bit older. But then, it seems as if suddenly, we've missed the opportunity.

I think most college students go abroad because they can, not because they are truly in need of the experience. It's only a few years later that we think, "wow, I would really love to do something like that now". And for people who aren't supporting a family, that opportunity still exists, it just becomes harder to see when you work a full time job. Time goes by so quickly when things aren't changing.

It's very easy to get trapped between wanting that fantasy life and "furthering your career" because both clocks are ticking at the same time.

There's got to be a way to do both, right?