Why perfect <> happy

There was an interesting article on Yahoo Finance the other day about how trying to be perfect will actually leave you less satisfied and happy. (This idea is also discussed in length in Barry Schwartz's book The Paradox of Choice).

The most memorable part of the article was this:

A ceramics teacher announced on opening day that he was dividing the class into two groups. All those on the left side of the studio, he said, would be graded solely on the quantity of the work they produced. All those on the right would be graded solely on their works' quality.

His procedure was simple: On the final day of class he would bring in his bathroom scales and weigh the work of the quantity group; 50 pound of pots rated an A, 40 pounds a B, and so on. Those being graded on quality, however, needed to produce only one pot -- albeit a perfect one -- to get an A.

At grading time, the works with the highest quality were all produced by the group being graded for quantity.

This is something that all of us (most notably myself!) should take to heart. Stop trying to get things right, and just do things. That's how you get them right, by trying...and learning along the way. I'd be pretty surprised if a series of small failures leading up to a success didn't make you happier than not even getting to the success at all...

The last thing you want is the first thing you need

When we're sad, we want to crawl into a hole and not communicate with anyone. For whatever reason, we withdraw and crave "alone time". Is it because we don't want people to see us this way? Is it because wallowing in misery is for some reason more appealing than trying to be happy?

Next time you're feeling unhappy, do yourself a favor and get in touch with your friends. Call them, visit them, or simply email. You don't even have to tell them that you're down (although certainly do if you think it will help!).

Don't waste your time bitching about what's going on in your life. Explain the problem, but don't ask for a solution...you just want company.

So why does this work? It helps you forget about your other problems. Know why your other problems are so easily forgotten? Because they aren't important. It's the people in your life that are.

The Daily Unwind

For years I've always been hearing about how people need to "unwind" when they get home from work. I didn't get it. I never felt that way. I couldn't relate.

The last few days I actually have started to feel like I need to unwind. I don't want to do anything (except 'escape' activities like TV or video games) and I don't want to be cheered up. Instead of being excited the workday is over, I'm already thinking about all the shit I'll have to do the next day.

I can't imagine a life where I came home feeling like this every day. How do people go on for years like this? I guess you'd just get used to it, but why bother? Clearly something needs fixing.

Any readers out there consistently feel this way? Why keep working in a job that makes you unhappy? I realize that money is usually the issue, but honestly, what good is money if you aren't happy? What is the point of life if you aren't enjoying it?

One minute happiness

Truthteller gives us 7 Steps to Happy. The most interesting?

In a recent study the test subjects were asked to think of 3 positive things that had happened in their day before they went to sleep at night. Every single person tested, moved their set point upwards. And almost everyone found it so effective and pleasureable that they continued the process long after the study was over.

I'm going to give this a whirl starting tonight. Who can't spare an extra minute per day to make themselves happier? Some days, you'd have big things to be happy about, other days, you'll be forced to appreciate the small stuff.

Tonight, I'm going to need to think of some really small stuff...

Falling, losing, and tearing

This comes to us from Janet:

Humans can adjust to almost any amount of bad news, according to Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert. In his book "Stumbling on Happiness," he shows that we think losing a limb will be terrible, but in fact we adjust to it pretty well. In fact, in the long run it generally doesn't affect our level of happiness.

Thankfully, I haven't lost any major limbs (or minor limbs for that matter), so I can't personally attest to this, but it is an interesting idea. I've always said that it isn't what happens to you, but how you react to it that determines your happiness.

Think about those people who are always miserable and bad things seem to happen to them. Now think about your life and the worst things that have happened to you. You've got some pretty comparable stories from your past, don't you?

I tore my ACL a few years ago. After surgery, I remember thinking: "Wow, this really puts things in perspective. There's no WAY I am going to take walking for granted". Perhaps predictably, it didn't take long for me to lose that mindset altogether.

My friend who fell 110 feet already seems to have that perspective. Take a look at the climbing.com article and slideshow.

If neither losing a limb nor cheating death doesn't affect our overall level of happiness, what on earth does?

Passing the figurative buck

Sorry about the late post. Sometimes you close your eyes for that extra few seconds in the morning and then they shoot open 20 minutes later and you wonder if you already missed work.

Today, the landscaping crew came and did some work around my office building. Well okay, the building isn't mine, but my company lives there. Well okay, it's not my company...but you get the picture.

They blew off all the sand, dirt, and debris from the grass, edges, and planter areas. Awesome right?

The sand, dirt, and debris now lays on the asphalt of the parking lot, two feet inward from where it used to be. But hot damn, those edges are clean as I've ever seen them!

There are so many things wrong with this, where do I start...

• Is this just their way of passing the buck?
• If it still is their responsibility, why didn't they just clean it up instead of leaving it for another day (it will be blown around and driven on between now and then)?
• It looks worse now. If someone else is coming to clean it up, why not coordinate that?
• Why not just suck up all the debris instead of blowing it somewhere else (this technology must exist, mustn't it?)

Anyway you slice it, it boils down to this: doing things the right way, and doing them thoroughly the first time will make for less work in the end.

Even if you have to spend a few extra minutes doing "someone else's job", it's still a better way to operate. You can have them do a smaller task for you...something they can do from start to finish.

Being ready

I'll talk more about this in the future, but I'm starting to believe that all these tips, self-help, change-your-life type strategies out there, primarily only work for people who are on the verge of change anyway. Someone who is unhappy is not going to read a "7 Steps to Happy" article and have everything click. It may be able to nudge them slightly in the right direction, but even that is a longshot.

Probably what happens with people who need change is that they may read about how to do it, but it doesn't mean that they're ready. And don't kid yourself, you can't change if you aren't ready. It probably won't be until they've done some deep thinking about their own life and potentially have some major triggering event that proves the need for change.

So, do these "get happy now", "change your life", "become a millionaire" schemes really work? They certainly appeal to everyone, which makes them an easy sell. I believe that most of the people doing the selling realize that it isn't going to work for most (because they aren't ready), but they can justify it to themselves because they can give that final nudge to those people who were on the verge.

I thought about this while reading over a few "steps to happiness" lists on other blogs, and wondered why I never try anything like that here at On Happiness. Perhaps I think it's a bit pretentious? Or maybe it's because I know most people will read the ideas, think they sound good, but then never act upon them? That's pretty much what I did after reading those blogs anyway.

But then again, I want people to be happy and maybe the point of that information is to create awareness for those who aren't exactly ready. The key to happiness clearly isn't learning a bunch of tricks, but you have to at least be aware that it's truly is an option for everyone.

Instead of tricks, think of them as habits. Actually, I'll invent a term right now. You've heard of work ethic? How about "happiness ethic"? No one goes from being lazy to being a hardworker overnight (though it certainly seems that some people are just born hard workers!). It's a gradual process.

Treat yourself right, and make decisions and choices that promote happiness. You owe it to yourself.