Wednesday, November 15, 2006

The view always changes

A few excerpts from a post in my private blog a few weeks ago. I was talking about that antsy "I should be doing something more" feeling again and how to cure it:
2) Move. I'm always happy when I'm moving. Even if it's just in the car on the way to work. Maybe literally moving somewhere is fulfilling my need to be figuratively moving forward. The faster I move, the happier I am. Planes are the ultimate. Even though I'm cramped and uncomfortable, I'm happy.


The crazy thing is that my fantasies don't really involve moving. They involve staying put. Today, we were on the beach. It was windy and teetering at the edge of a rainstorm. There was fog in every direction, smoothing out the horizon and further accentuating that sense of "the unknown" which we were already all feeling as we kept moving in the hopes of seeing around that "next" corner.

Each time you edge around the corner, another one that you didn't expect always seems to pop up out of nowhere. Maybe this is the perfect metaphor for how my life has been so far. I keep rounding the corner, expecting to see a drastic change. But it never happens. Yet even though things seem fundamentally the same, each new view is different enough to keep my heading for that next corner. Once in a while, the corner brings a more substantial view, and it's beautiful. And rewarding. But only briefly, because there is another one in the distance. Obscured by fog, but close enough that it immediately becomes your new focus.

Is there some way I can keep myself from falling into this malaise every few weeks, as seems to be standard for me the last few months? It only lasts a few days, or a few hours, but somehow it's not enough to force me to take bigger steps. Maybe I need to take a right turn and start climbing up the bluff? It'll be hard work, but I bet the view at the top will be even better. Until I notice that the top is merely the ledge of another, larger bluff.

I guess in the end I'm not really to concerned what this is all supposed to mean. There are so many ways to approach life, and all you can ever really do is whatever seems natural. It's okay to go back and forth. It's okay to change your mind every few days. Maybe that's just a sign of change, and nothing ever happens overnight. Like everything else, the change is gradual.

Maybe this confusion and questioning is just the slow process of turning 90 degrees and climbing straight up the bluff?

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